The Life and Times of Fluwten McGunch.

Some people just have to do it the hard way...

2007-07-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Notable Studmeisters of the World Part 2

2007-07-08T17:55:00.001-07:00

This is part two in a continuing series honoring studmeisters of the world

As I have mentioned previously here, I have been appointed Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. I have in the past, and will do so again now, honor the lesser but still important studmeisters of the world. In part one, I talked about Wil Wheaton, Ken Masters of Street Fighter fame among others. Today we will start with Optimus Prime from the Transformers.

If you thought Optimus Prime’s only claim to fame was battling Megatron and the Transformers, you are grossly mistaken. On his home planet, Optimus is of course well know for his fight against evil. However, he is more well known for his sexual escapades. In fact, the war between the Autobots and Deceptions was caused, indirectly, by Optimus Prime’s cock. To make a long story short, Optimus Prime was getting a blowjob from this Autobot chick named Stella when Megatron walked in. Unbeknowst to Optimus, Stella and Megatron had gone out a few times in the last week; Megatron really liked her and was not happy about walking in on them. Megatron transformed into a gun and told Optimus he was going to blow a hole in his cock. Optimus pushed off Stella, leapt up and grabbed Megatron by the barrel and slammed him into the ground. Megatron started transforming back into a robot and Optimus stepped in and popped him right in the jaw. Megatron dropped to the ground, unconscious. Stella looked at Megatron lying on the ground, looked up at Optimus and proceded to bury her face in his lap. After he was done with Stella, Optimus filled up his tank again and that evening banged three other girls at the grad party. After that night, Optimus got a reputation as an ass-kicker and a ladies man.

The next honorable studmeister is Charlie Brown of Peanuts.

He is known as a bumbling pessimist, but when the lights dimmed, Charlie was all action. The reason Lucy kept fucking over Charlie with the football is that it got Charlie really worked up and the after football the sex would rough and raw – just the way that slut Lucy liked it. Charlie also banged every single other female in the cartoon. If that wasn’t enough, during a short Peanuts hiatus, he took a trip over the Dennis the Menace cartoon and fucked the hell out of Dennis’ mother.

Next we have Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist.

He is well known for two things: his brilliant mind and his physical disability. What most people don’t know though is that due to advances in robotic technology, Stephen could walk if he wanted to. Artificial limb technology progressed to the point that two prototype leg exoskeletons were made for Hawking. All of the preliminary testing was successful. The exoskeletons fit over his legs and they were controlled, unbelievably, by Hawkings’ mind. Hawking tried the legs and managed to walk. However, he soon realized the true potential of the artificial limbs. He asked the scientists to remove the exoskeletons from his legs and to reattach them to opposing side of his cock. After this was done, Stephen had a stiffy the likes of which the world has never seen before. One of the scientists was a young hottie researcher and Stephen nailed her right then and there. He didn’t stop there and proceeded to bang every single hottie scientist he could get his hands on. Hawking published an account of his sexual exploits in a bestselling book he titled “A Brief History of My Schlong.”

Finally, we have the Millennium Falcon.

There a ton of cool spaceships in movie history, but none of them got as much pussy and the Millennium Falcon. If you weren’t really paying attention, it is possible that you have seen the original Star Wars trilogy and did not notice that the Falcon was fucking anything that moved. I’ll talk about one example here today. In The Empire Strikes Back, there is the scene where the Imperial Cruisers are closing in on the Millennium Falcon and it looks like its fate is sealed. However, what happens is that Han Solo flies right up to the Imperial Cruiser, cuts it’s power and attaches the Falcon to the cruiser’s hull. The Imperial Cruisers can’t find it and it remains hidden. What you may not have know if you weren’t watching closely, is that the whole time the Millennium Falcon was attached it was nailing the Cruiser though an exhaust port. There was nothing the Cruiser could do about it except sit back and enjoy it. When the Falcon finally detached from the Imperial Cruiser, it left a huge blob of spaceship splooge on the hull and jumped into hyperspace. Mission accomplished.

Retarded, Non-Retarded and Very Retarded Flags of the World Part 10: Lithuania flags

2007-07-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

This is the tenth installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world.

Unfortunately for Lithuanians, their country sucks. Without even looking at the flags you know it sucks. Why? Because Lithuania ends in 'ia' and any country that ends in those two vowels sucks. Don't believe me? Well here are a few: Estonia, Latvia, Croatia, Syria, Tibia and Chlamydia. These countries all suck ass. Well, maybe a decent flag or two can save the day for Lithuania.

First up we have the flag of the town of Balbieriskis:
A boat sitting on a bunch of rocks. This is fucked. Dudes, if you don't have any water, your boats won't fucking work. Put some water back in your ocean or take a fucking taxi you twats.

This is the flag of Joniskis:
This town fucking rocks. The dudes in Joniskis are so fucking hardcore they commute by dragon. That is fucking awesome. No shitty Dodge Neons for these guys. Also, if you look closely enough, you can see that the dragon isn't too happy about the arrangement and is giving the driver dude some backtalk. Some guys in some lesser towns would talk to the dragon, try and reach a compromise with the dragon, maybe sign the dragon up in the dragon union etc etc. The guys in Joniskis, however, are different. Do they care if the dragon isn't happy? Not a goddamn bit. The guy on the flag is so pissed off it look like he is going to give the dragon an shit-kicking. Awesome.

This is the coat of arms of Kernave.
You have a soldier dude standing in the doorway protecting the castle. Protecting the castle from what I ask? The fucking thing is falling apart. Who is going to invade your shitty castle when half the wall is gone? Get your asses down to Home Depot, pick up some bricks and fix the goddamn thing. If Bob Villa saw what shape your castle was in he would probably cut off your cock with a band saw. Lazy fucks...

This is the flag of Bartninkai.

Obviously this town has some fucking awesome narcotics. The bear is so fucking high that is he is imagining that he is dancing with a bunch of insects. Not only does this town has some awesome drugs, but they have such an abundant supply that they can share it with the animals. Shrooms for the bears, acid for the squirrels, a little coke for the neighborhood cat etc. The SPCA in this town must be the shit. Awesome.

Finally we have the coat of arms of Betygala:

Some chick must be the mayor of Betygala or the whole town is ghey. Why else would you have the female reproductive system on your flag? And the drawing is shit - the ovaries look like goddamn nuts. Jesus Christ...

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-07-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi has a post about ongoing problems with his family here.

That Siddharta can be such a prick when he's hungry.

2007-07-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

Honorable mention studmeisters

2007-07-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

As I told you here, I have been recently named Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. I am, without a doubt, deserving of the title. However, there are a number of lesser studmeisters that do not receive the recognition they deserve. I feel it is my civic duty to make sure they get the attention that they are due given their services rendered to the females of the world.

First up is Wil Wheaton/Wesley Crusher. Wil Wheaton is most known for playing Wesley Crusher on Star Trek the Next Generation. It may seem strange to talk about both the actor and the character but it in this case it makes complete sense. According to his friends, Wil Wheaton used to be a shy, reserved kind of guy. However, after his run on Star Trek as ensign Wesley Crusher he was a changed man. The true character of Wesley Crusher was known only to the diehard Star Trek fans who got hold of the special edition "adult" version of Star Trek that Gene Rod'n Two Berries put out (read more here). In the adult version, Welsey spent more time banging the crew (and the intergalactic hotties) than he did working on the bridge. He became a legend when in one episode he took two Klingon chicks into a broom closet on Ten Forward and banged them rotten. He nailed them so hard the Enterprise had a warp core breach.

Wil Wheaton was obviously tremendously influenced by the character he played. When there is a Star Trek convention, most of the other actors are busy giving speeches, signing autographs, selling books etc. Wil, however, spends the whole time in a private suite clothed in nothing but purple nipple tassels and a tribble. He spends the whole time "entertaining" all of the super hot trekkie chicks that always show up at Star Trek conventions.
Wil's sexual escapades have become so well known in the Star Trek community that he now has a new nickname: Wil "The Drill" Wheaton.

Next up we have Curious George.

This cute little monkey is known by children everywhere for his curiosity (duh), charm and propensity for getting into all sorts of hijinks. When the sun goes down though and the jungle gets dark, this cute little monkey transforms from Curious George to Cunningulus George. Needless to say, George is very, very, very popular with the ladies of the jungle. According to legend, George owes his fantastic oral skills to the maluwaga fruit. The maluwaga fruit is covered in spines and most monkeys won't bother with it as it takes a considerable amount of effort to get to the fruit without poking your tongue on one of the spines. Curious George, however, loves maluwaga fruit and the skills he learned getting the fruit and avoiding the spines seemed to have done him well when it come to oral sex. The lion may be king of the jungle, but the ladies would choose George any day of the week.

The third honorable mention studmeister is Ken Masters. You may not know the name, but you probably know him to see him:

Yes, Ken Masters is a character from Street Fighter. Why is he a studmeister you ask? Well, he was locked up in an arcade game with a whole bunch of other guys and there was only one chick in the bunch, Chun Li.

Chun Li was really fucking hot and she could have had any guy in the arcade she wanted. She turned down Mario, Pac Man, and a slew of others and only said yes to Ken. While Mario was jumping down pipes and Pac Man was running away from ghosts, Ken Masters was busy nailing Chun Li. The only time they weren't fucking like rabbits is when someone dropped in a quarter into a Street Fighter game and chose Ken or Chun Li. When it was Ken vs. Chun Li, and you watched close enough, you might have caught Chun Li giving Ken a little tug once in a while. Sweet.

Meth is a hell of a drug...

2007-07-04T21:59:00.001-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-07-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about a new love interest on the farm here.

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-07-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about a friend's hydroponic weed operation here.

Photography 101. Lesson #2: lines and shapes

2007-07-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

It is time for lesson two in the ongoing series on the fine art of photography. Today we will be examining the use of lines and shapes in photography. First of all, lets have a look at lines. In photography, straight horizontal lines indicate calmness and tranquility - like how a hottie feels after I bang her. Vertical lines imply motion and speed - i.e. my turbocharged self-lubricating pelvis. Diagonal lines give a feeling of imbalance, instability and action - very similar to what I feel every time I have group sex with Romanian midget gymnasts on my waterbed. Curves lead the eye through the photo and they represent calmness, safety and sexuality - just like my taint.

As for shapes, circles and squares are static, while rectangles and triangles are active. Now enough of the technical jargon and lets look at some photos.

Here is a photo by some dude named Ansel Adams.

There is a curve (the river) here that runs from bottom right to top left. Your eye can't help but follow the curve. But, there is a significant problem here. Where does the curve lead? To the left of the photo. What's there? We don't have a fucking clue. Why? Because Mr. Ansel Fucking Adams decided to crop it out.There could be huge Swedish flight attendant gangbang going on at the riverside or maybe there is some hot caribou on caribou action in the forest but we don't know about it because it's not in the photo. Nice going Ansel you fuckface.

Next we have a famous photo by Robert Capa:

What is this shit? Almost no lines, no shapes, nothing. And it's all out of focus and grainy as hell. Yeah, I know the photo was shot on D-Day but so fucking what? I was watching a History Channel today about Pearl Harbor and I was drinking a coke and you didn't see my hands shaking. Suck it up bitch and take a decent goddamn photo.

Next we have a photo by Edward Weston:

When you first see the photo with all of triangles and vertical and diagonal lines you are temped to join the legions of Weston fans who say this is a great photo. WRONG. This photos sucks ass. Why? Because the model is totally naked but you can't see a goddamn thing. No tits, no nipples, no pubes. What kind of an asshole photographer does that?

Weston, you suck. And if you didn't bang the chick after you took the photo you are a complete fuckmunch. Dickhead.

Next up we have this photo:

It is obviously a goddamn fucking masterpiece. I don't think we need to talk about shapes or lines here as this photo transcends mere technical details. When we are confronted by a work of genius such as this, all you need to do is sit back and appreciate the brilliance of the photographer. Either that or whack off until your balls are dry.

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-07-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi has a new post here about the problems Japanese ninjas are having in a lackluster Japanese economy.

Better stock up on KY...

2007-07-02T22:33:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-07-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about Richard Gere and the gerbil sex scandal here.

Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe

2007-07-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have the distinct pleasure of telling you that I have recently been proclaimed Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. You are wondering of course, why I was not given this title earlier. Well, as it turns out, this award is only held by one person at time. When that person dies, a search is made for the rightful successor.

A few days ago, former Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe, a man by the name of Abishek Gunguburunga, passed away at the age of 87. He was 87 years old at the time. He held the title of Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe for a period of 53 years. During that time he banged hotties from Delhi to Darwin to Detroit. In fact, the major condom manufactures claim that 10% of their sales were made to him alone.

After his passing, a council was formed to find the next Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. The council members follow a number of signs that indicate where the next Chief Studmeister is located. The search is not unlike the search for the reincarnated spirit of a deceased Tibetan Lama. The council was composed of various Ultra Hotties, who are the only people who are able to distinguish between a regular studmeister and Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe.

Ultra Hottie and Council Member Methinee Kingpayome

The search started about a week ago. First of all, the council members looked at the body of the deceased Chief, which can give a number of clue as to the location of the next Chief. They first inspected his knob. It was pointing north and his right testicle had more hair than the left which was a sign (according to tradition) that the next Chief lived in Northern America. Next, they built a bonfire and burned an issue of Hustler. The smoke from the Hustler magazine was white, which told the council that the next Chief would be located in a cold place. The council members felt confident that the could narrow their search to the northern states in the U.S. and Canada. They flew to Buffalo, New York and performed the next step in the ritual search. They taped a map of North America to the hall in their hotel room and tossed a handful of vaseline at it. A big glob of Vaseline landed right on Saskatchewan.

The Ultra Hotties nodded knowingly to one another, grabbed their bags, checked out and took the next flight to Saskatchewan. Their flight landed in Regina. After getting off the plan, the Ultra hotties headed straight to the Saskatchewan legislature and told the Members of Parliament about their search. As they were giving their speech, the Ultra Hotties kept a close eye on the MPs and noticed that one of the Saskatoon MPs scratched his balls. The Ultra Hotties knew immediately that was where the next Chief Studmeister could be found. They hopped on a bus and by that afternoon they were in Saskatoon. As soon as they debarked the plane, the could feel the presence of the next Chief Studmeister. They were close enough that they no longer needed any signs to guide them: their now rock-hard nipples would lead them to their final destination.

Thirty minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I was busy boning a baker's dozen of hotties at the time, but something told me I should answer it. I got up, got dressed and walked to the door. When I opened it, I was surprised (well, mildly surprised) to see a throng of Ultra Hotties outside my door with nipples hard enough to puncture the hull of a Norwegian fishing trawler.

I, being a kind and civilized individual, introduced myself and invited the women inside. They took a seat on my couch and told me their story. When they were finished, one of the hotties asked me if I thought I was the Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. I took a moment to reflect back on my lifetime of boning hotties. I looked at the Ultra Hotties, gave them a nod and said "absolutely."

One of the Ultra Hotties then looked at me and said, "All signs point to you, Fluwten McGunch. But we need one final piece of irrefutable evidence that tells us that you are indeed the Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe."

I leaned back in my chair and thought about what evidence I could provide. The hotties waiting for me down the hall in the bedroom? Sworn testimony from all the hotties I have nailed in the past? My VIP Blockbuster card? Hmmm. Then, I knew exactly what I had to do. I stood up and looked one at time at each Ultra Hottie square in the eyes. I then said, "You want evidence of my Supreme Studliiciousness? Well, here it is ladies." I then reached down, unzipped my pants and let my jeans and underwear fall to the floor. Just then the clouds parted and a single ray of sunlight streamed through the living room window.The light bounced off my glistening scrotum and filled the room with a heavenly glow. The Ultra Hotties jumped off the couch, prostrated themselves before me and declared me Chief Studmeister of the Known Universe. Then I nailed them all right in the ass.

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-07-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper has a few post about another business venture, this one involving weed.

Fucking Pizza Hut...

2007-06-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-06-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi tells the story of his high school reunion here.

Retarded, Non-Retarded and Very Retarded Flags of the World Part 9: U.S. city flags

2007-06-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

This is the ninth installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world.

We have already had a look at U.S. state flags here and here. Well, let's get started.

First up is the flag of Portland, Oregon. A city well known for it's temperate climate, microbreweries and abundant strip clubs. I like it already. Unfortunately, you don't see any of these things on the flag. What you do see is retarded city planning. You have an overhead shot of an intersection of four streets but none of the streets are actually lined up properly. Portland has created the worst fucking intersection in the world and decided to put it on their flag. Now if there were microbreweries and strip clubs at the intersection it wouldn't be a problem and no one would give a damn about the crap street design. But all we have is one shitty intersection. Shitty.

Here we have the flag of San Francisco. I was actually expecting something quite different from San Fran - like a pink flag with a pic of two guys with lobsters stuck up their asses and the two guys sucking each other (of course the lobsters rammed in their sphincters would be gay as well). What we actually have here, is something that is not only surprising, but impressive. I thought the people of San Fran were a bunch of touch-feely pussy vegetarians. But the flag show something completely different. A bunch of the locals have headed up to the hills, captured a giant bird, brought it back to to the city and are barbecuing it. That's fucking awesome. By the looks of it they haven't even bothered to pluck the feathers are are going to eat it whole. That some harcore shit. Props to San Fransisco.

This is the flag of Corpus Christi, Texas which is known as a manly place, where popular pastimes include drinkin', fightin', fishin' and huntin'. And making fucking ghey retarded flags. Look at it - stars, a cute little bird and the only two colors are white and baby blue. This is the kind of flag I would expect from some pansy city like Seattle or Boston. A message from me to Corpus Christi: please grow a set of balls and design a real flag you douchebags.

Here we have the flag for the city of Denver, Colorado. It is fucking AWESOME. You have some ski chick who is outside in the cold and laying down, has covered herself in fresh powder and now her nipples are as hard as fucking rocks. That fucking rocks. You may ask what is the point of the sun in the middle of the flag. Who fucking cares? There are two rock-hard nipples on the flag and you are looking at the sun? Gimme a fucking break...

Klingons can be such pussies.

2007-06-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-06-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper has a new post about the bastards from Toronto.

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-06-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi has a new post about his ongoing troubles with a neighborhood chick here.

Kids these days...

2007-06-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

The perfect dildo

2007-06-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, a while ago I wrote a piece about the perfect condom. I figured now is the time to update the product line. After painstaking hours of research, I have come up with a design for the perfect dildo. Naturally the easier way to bring a woman to climax is to show her a photo of me, but not everyone has a photo of me handy at all times. Also, what about the blind chicks who aren't blessed with the opportunity to gazing upon my studliness? All they can do is nail me or give me a tug if the opportunity presents itself (blind chicks if you want to give me a tug, I'll be waiting in the the last stall in the men's washroom at the Sears on 11th street tomorrow from 3:10 to 3:30 or later if need be).

All right - it's time for the main event. Fear no more ladies. Here it is:

This is the dildo of the future. I mean that - literally. I traveled forward in time, hunted down the leading expert in dildo technologies (a researcher by the name of Ivan Tugetzimvet) and brought back the technology to 2007. The dildo design may look simple, but is truly a work of both genius and simplicity. The shell of the dildo is made from virgin carbon fiber. The inner core of the didlo is hollow except for one single strip of Saskatchewan back bacon. Why? Because da women loves the back bacon.

As for the design, you may have noticed that there are three protruding elements. Two of the elements are designed for simultaneous vaginal and anal insertion. Well, what about the third protruding element you ask? Think about it. You come home from work and find your wife/girlfriend/concubine sprawled on the couch with a McGunchinator up Route A and Route B. You look closer and you see a third protruding element on the dildo. You are puzzled for a moment trying to figure out what the hell it is for. Then, finally you understand. The third protruding element is a coat hook. You nod your head in appreciation of the McGunch genius, toss your coat on the hook and grab a beer from the fridge.

I am fucking AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picky bastard...

2007-06-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-06-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

A new Ninja Shinichi post can be found here.

The awesomeness of my penisness part 2.

2007-06-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

I now have third party independent confirmation that my knob is spectacular. The other day I told you a story about how a group of doctors were amazed at the state of my genitals. Well, just today a doctor from the university hospital phoned and he wants to take a look. After I left the clinic yesterday the doctors apparently phoned a specialist at the hospital and they told him about my gonads and now this specialist wants to see my package first-hand. I am so stoked about this I think I am going to wax before I head in to the hospital tomorrow. I am such a fucking stud.

Kirk always was a bit of a prick...

2007-06-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

The awesomeness of my penisness

2007-06-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have told you, humble reader, many a story about my extraordinary genitalia (for example here and here). Well today I went in to the doctor's for a checkup and if there was any doubt about the majestic luxuriousness of my manhood, it was dispelled.

Before the doctor had a look at me, a nurse came to check my blood pressure, pulse, etc. When it was time to check my temperature, I showed the nurse how open-minded and comfortable I was with my heterosexuality. She held out the thermometer and I immediately turned around, pulled down my pants and bent over. "Go ahead" I said. "Having a thermometer stuck up my ass isn't going to put a dent in my studliness."
The nurse then explained that it was an oral thermometer and not a rectal thermometer. I, feeling extra macho that day, insisted on a rectal reading but she still refused. I said to the nurse, "Hey toots, I understand how you must feel. If you get too close to my juicy thoroughbred ass you just might lose control and blow a gasket." I must have hit the nail on the head because the nurse was little testy after that.

Anyway after all the preliminary stuff I got to see the doctor. He checked my reflexes, eyes, nose, throat, lungs etc etc. Then, it was time for the money shot. He asked me to lay down and pull down my gotch so he could check out my gonads. As soon as the doctor got a look at my package he took a step back and cried out in shock. I guess he's never seen a meat bundle quite as awe-inspiring as mine. He asked how long my genitals had been like that and I said, "For as long as I can remember." He looked at me in shock - even medical professionals sometime have a hard time coming to grips with what is going on in my underwear.

The doctor was quiet for a few moments and then put on a extra pair of latex gloves and a surgical mask. He was obviously so awestruck by my knob that he wanted to guarantee that it's splendidness remained undisturbed for posterity. He took a few tentative pokes at it but seemed too scared to get too close. My knob is pretty overpowering and most guys are just so jealous of my pork pole that they can't get anywhere near it. Not that I really want them to...

The doctor backed off again and told me he would be right back. A short time later he reappeared with two more doctors. These two doctors had a peek and by the looks on their faces they couldn't believe what they saw. One doctor left and came back with a camera and asked if he could take a few photos. Yes, a doctor wanted to photograph my genitalia. Has a doctor ever asked to take photos of your genitalia? No? Didn't think so. Loser. After the examination and "photo shoot" was over, the doctors huddled in the corner whispering to each other and taking notes. I am sure they were commiserating over their sub-par genitals. Poor guys. Anyways, I eventually left the doctor's office with a bag full of goodies - more creams and antibiotics and brochures than I knew what to do with. I guess the doctors felt that they should give me a token of their appreciation since I was generous in letting them look at my knob. It's only fair.

You know, when I die, I don't care if my body is cremated, put in a coffin, or donated to science. I just want my cock to end up on display in the Smithsonian.

DJ Stubblejumper update.

2007-06-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the photo, DJ Stubblejumper has been in a bit of a jam recently. Read about it here.

Leave it in the tickle trunk next time...

2007-06-25T08:31:00.001-07:00

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-06-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

A new Ninja Shinichi post can be found here.

Photography 101. Lesson #1: composition

2007-06-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

All right you uneducated gutter dwelling swine. McGunch, Fluwten McGunch has once again descended from the heavens to share his wisdom and nut juice with the common rabble. Today I will educate you on the finer points of photography. Specifically, we will cover the topic of composition and more specifically what is called the "rule of thirds." Simply stated, the rule basically states that if you divide a scene into three sections horizontally and vertically, the important elements in the scene should fall on the intersections of the lines. If you are too fucking retarded to understand that, see the picture below.

You can see that the two most important elements in the photo (the chicks mouth and her vagina) fall right on the intersections of the lines. You don't always have to do this (rules are meant to broken), but if you are taking a photo of a chick's vag, try and stick it where the lines meet. That assumes of course she is a willing subject and you have time to compose your shots carefully. If you are taking vaginal photos covertly, then it's probably best to get in, get your photos and get the hell out. There was one time when I was in elementary school when I had a babysitter and she fell asleep on the sofa. I grabbed my father's polaroid and managed to get a photo of her and her furry fissure when she was sleeping. The next day I showed it to my friends and school who were very appreciative of my photographic skills. When the babysitter found out that I had taken a photo of her womancave and passed it around the school, she was ecstatic. She looked all over town for me and when she found me she was in such a rush to thank me that she almost ran me over. Twice!

I will now show you a few photos and explain what is right and what is wrong about them. First we have this:

The first time I saw this photo I couldn't help but immediately noticing the truly horrific composition: a dead-center, static placement for the subject. Very amateurish, very boring.

Our next photo is here:

When I first saw this photo my immediate thought was not about the lighting, the color balance, the juxtposition of the socio-political elements within the subject's cultural milieu, or how much I really wanted to bone the chick in the ass, but rather the excellent composition. The subject is off-center and you could not find a better example of excellent use of the rule of thirds. Well done.

Now that I have shown you an example of good composition and an example of bad composition, it is time for a test of your knowledge. Look at the following photos and give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down for the compostion.

Test photo number 1

It doesn't take long to realize that this photo sucks major ass. The space dude is centered in the middle of the photo. How fucking retarded is that? Some dipshit can fly a spaceship into space, land on the moon but can't even take decent goddamn photo of the event? Re-tar-ded.

Test photo number 2

This photo is obviously fucking awesome. Look at the composition - its........ awesome. So awesome. So fucking... awesome. So awesome that I am going to take a break from writing this for a few minutes...

Test photo number 3

Some photographer managed to capture a photo of Godzilla. He was probably so scared and rushed for time that he didn't have time to compose it properly. You know what? SO FUCKING WHAT! Stand there, compose the shot properly and then and only then take the photo. Don't be such a goddamn spineless twat.

Test photo number 3

This photo has what we have classified previously as a flawed composition: dead center. However, in this photo, it works and it is plainly a masterpiece. Why? Because it's a photo of Jessica Alba and she is hot and I want to lick her from head to toe and bone her and have her rip off all my pubes with her teeth. If that wasn't enough in the photo you can see her nipples! Her nipples!!!! FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kids...

2007-06-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper update

2007-06-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

DJ Stubblejumper's latest post is here.

Ninja Shinichi update.

2007-06-23T15:20:00.001-07:00

Ninja Shinichi's first new post is here.

Retarded, Non-Retarded and Very Retarded Flags of the World Part 8: Latvian city flags

2007-06-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

This is the eighth installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world.

Latvia is country in Europe (strike one) that borders countries like Estonia (strike two) and Lithuania (strike three). Very, very, ghey. Enough with the b.s. - it’s time to get on to the flags of Latvia.

Right of the bat we see from this flag that Latvia is seriously fucked. This flag is from the flag of the city of Liepaja, whose inhabitants are obviously mucho fucked if the flag is any indication. You have, on the flag of Liepaja, a lion who is feeling up and French kissing a tree. You can tell from the look on the tree that it is completely non-consensual – the lion probably slipped the tree a roofie or two. Anyway, what we have is a flag celebrating a sexual predator lion that molests trees. Right. What’s next? A flag of a cheetah buttfucking a celery stick?

This is the flag of the Latvian city of Saldus. Here we have a depiction of a formidable castle. So formidable in fact that it doesn’t even have door. Jesus H. Christ. What happens if you are in the castle and you order out for Dominos? How the fuck is the delivery guy supposed to get in? People of Saldus: please build a door and then Fuck Off.

Next we have this masterpiece of retardness. This is the flag of Jekabpils which is some shithole city in Latvia. In the flag you notice some kind of cougar thingy just hanging around. Upon closer inspection, you will notice that his midsection has been pierced by a tree. It is obvious to me what has happened: we have another feline perv right here. From the looks of it the cougar tried to jump the tree and bone it rotten but missed and ended up spearing himself. Nice going dickwad.

The flag of Talsi is a bit different – there are no tree-raping lions here . Instead what you have is an overhead view of some hippie guy playing Frisbee. That is fairly neutral (hippies=bad, Frisbees=good) in and of itself, but look at the Frisbee. It’s some kind of fucked up Christmas wreath. Dude, put down the bong, go shopping and buy a real fucking Frisbee. Fucking potheads…

Here we have the flag of the city of Valmiera. This could be the most retarded flag I have ever seen in my life. So far we have had a lion and a cheetah getting nasty with flora but this is even worse. Far, far FAAARRRR worse. On this flag there is a crab giving a rim job to a tree. Yes, that is right: a crab licking the nether region of a goddamn tree. And it looks like an underage tree too. If a crab’s only sexual outlet is tonguing the asshole of some sapling someone should put him out of his misery. Fucking hell…

I'm baaaack.

2007-06-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

After a prolonger absence I am back and will be posting regularly in the future. My two good friends, Ninja Shinichi and DJ Stubblejumper, will be not be posting here anymore. They will be posting on their own blogs located here and here.

Everything I Learned About Being a Man I Learned From the Tranformers.

2007-03-26T06:46:00.000-07:00

Remember the Transformers? Apart from Lego and Star Wars figurines (the old ones of course), they are the most awesomest fucking toys ever. If you don’t know what transformers are you are either over 60 years old or under 20 or retarded. Fuck off in any case.

With the Transformers you pay for one toy and since it can transform into two shapes you actually really get two toys. It’s like communism only way, way, way better. Another reason that the Tranformers are fucking awesome is that they are great role models for kids. For example, consider the leader of the Decipticons, Megatron. He is an asshole, but it’s okay for him to be an asshole. Why? Because he can transform into a massive schlong. When he is transformed it looks like a gun, but it’s really a fucking huge skin sausage. If he’s at work at his boss is giving him shit, all he has to do is transform into schlong mode and nobody in the office fucks with him. The boss just locks himself in his office while Megatron nails the shit out of the secretaries.

Bumblebee is another Tranformer that kids should look up to. He’s a tiny little thing that transforms into a VW beetle. Nevertheless, he still is still always up for kicking some Decepticon ass. The lesson he teaches kids is that even though you are small and yellow you aren’t useless – a great message for all the Asian kids out there.

Next is Optimus Prime. He is the leader of the good guys (the Autobots) and he don’t take no shit from noboby. He was in San Antonio a while a go having a beer at a bar and in walked Blaster (a cassette player Transformer). Blaster had his music cranked up and it was pissing Optimus Prime off because he was putting his moves on one of the waitresses. Optimus told Blaster to turn it down but Blaster didn’t do anything. So Optimus walked over and punched him right in the goddamn mouth in front of everyone. Blaster shut the fuck up right then and there. As well as being the Autobot leader and an ass-kicker, Optimus is also a fucking stud. When he transforms into semi-truck mode and revs the engine the ladies come running. To his credit, he even throws the fat chicks a pity-fuck once in a while. A stand-up guy.

So if you have a kid is that is acting like a dick, getting into trouble, failing at school etc, just buy him a shitload of Transformers and things will turn around. In the odd chance that buying your kid Tranformers doesn't solve the problem, throw the kid out of the house and keep the Tranformers for yourself. Win-win.

And it's kosher!

2007-03-07T07:40:00.000-08:00

Wass up Niggaz? This iz DJ Stubblejumper, with a message for yallz: Pimps up, ho’s down!

2007-03-07T05:19:00.000-08:00

Yallz know that DJ Stubblejumper is kickin the mad flava on the stage. Iz spinnin rhymes that aint nobody heard before. Theze rhymes be so goddamn dope that Iz should be eatin my grits off of gold records by now. But I aint – yet. So, until my DJ skillz can pay the bills I gotz to branch out. Iz become an entrepreneurial bidnessman. Don’t yallz be dissin me. I aint down wit that stock market Enron cracker bullshit. Iz gonna partake in the only kind of bidness that a fly gopher like me gotz to be in wit. What kind of bidness youze askin? Iz now a motherfuckin pimp! That’s right yallz - Iz now bein a DJ and a pimp on the side. A old school goddamn prarie ho hussla! And youze gotz to know I aint dealin wit no ugly rundown gap teeth crack ho bitches. The DJ only be dealin wit the highest quality Saskatchewan ho’s. The DJ is a hi-class mothafucka all the way and that includes the pimpin and the ho’s. If I aint down wit puttin no generic brand peanut butter in my PB&J youze gotz to know I aint puttin no second-hand ho's in my pimpin bidness.

I knowz yallz be havin some questions like “Who you be pimpin to?” and “Where you be getting these fine, fine ho’s?” and “Where can I be gettin some?” First of all, Iz be pimpin to anyone wit the class and the money who be wantin to realize some sexuallatory adventures wit the finest ho’s on the praries. Second of all, Iz be finding these hi-society ho’s from all over Saskatchewn. Iz gotz such a solid rep as a DJ that the ho’s be knowin my pimpin bidness be hi-class. I now got ho’s be comin from North Battleford, Moose Jaw, Regina, Saskatoon, Prince Albert, etcetera. As for location, the bidness be delivery only for now until I getz some other details worked out.

Iz now busy gettin the pimpin bidness up to my hi standards. But, I knowin you want to see a little piece of the action so in the next few dayz I be postin some pics of the hottest ho’s you eva done seen! Damn!

For a hamburger today?

2007-02-26T07:18:00.000-08:00

Parents just don't understand.

2007-02-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

Worf was right - Earth women are too fragile.

2007-02-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

Last night (and every night in memory) I found myself in bed with a hottie. During our boning episode something very unusual happened. I was on top hammering away at her vagina when she said something that sounded like “Get off of me – you’re too damn heavy.” I was absolutely shocked. I have a physique that is perfection defined. Except for my three kilogram taint, there is not a single excess bit of flesh on my frame. I yielded to her request and reversed our position. I kept pounding away while trying to figure out what she meant.

It took a few moments to understand what she was getting at. I realized that when she said what I thought was “Get off of me – you’re too damn heavy” she was saying something totally different. What she actually said was “Grekk’t okvm’a e yuu’rtu k’kkada mgh’a ve” which is actually not English, but Klingon. As soon as realized that I pushed her off my manhood and grabbed my official Star Trek Klingon-English dictionary and looked up what she said. It took me a while to piece it all together but what the hottie had said in Klingon translates as “You wreak havoc on my womanhood like a hungry Klingon ravages a plate of fresh g’ak.” Cool. Even though I know I am a sexual connoisseur I still appreciate original, insightful compliments such as this. I let the hottie remount my love saddle and went at it even harder – I really wanted to make all the Klingons out there proud. I think I overdid a bit though - she ended up with a hairline fracture in her pelvic bone due to my ambitious Klingon-inspired boning. Oops.

Hello. My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I telling you more about continue story of plan of revenge to samurai.

2007-02-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

I not repeat whole of story, but I trying to get revenge to samurai. He cutting flowers of my garden. I take photos of my man thing in milk bottle of his. I leave photo at his door of apartment for revenging to him. Unfortunate, but housewife woman who is neighbor of samurai get photos by my mistake. She scream and I running to home. But now she infatuate to me. Much, much problem.

On recent day I ask advice from Fluwten because I not ideas know what to do. I not enjoy attentions from ugly face housewife woman.

This times he give me to same advice as before times. He advice say to me is: “anal sex.” He not give detail so I assumption he mean I anal sex to housewife woman who infatuation to me. But she is disgust face housewife woman. If I see her body with not clothing, very sure I vomiting.

Everytime I having problem and asking to Fluwten, he proposal solution of sex in some person anus. Sometime that good advice but not for everytimes. When first I meeting Fluwten, I not know his advice everytime “anal sex.” So, first time I ask to him request advice I thinking of course sincerity advice from him. That first time problem situation was when have problem of taxes. In Japan, there exist tax deduction for purchase of uniform. If Japan persons must buying of uniform for job, they get discount of taxes. Of course, ninja is buying uniform so should get deduction of tax. Unfortunate, but tax office salaryman not agree and saying no deducation of tax. I go to office and explain of situation. But tax office salarymen disagree to me and says to deduction. I much, much angry and ask for him to explanation. He answer that ninja no need of uniform.

This is so stupid of comment I at first silent. Ninja must wearing black clothing which is uniform. If wearing business suit then cannot flexible move and cannot silent move. Ninja fight wearing salarymens clothes not possibility. I ask Fluwten for advice to me and he say ‘anal sex’. Of course I perfect not understand. Why sex in anus? How that help situation of tax. So I ask to him again and he say same answer of anal sex. He promising that is answer.

Next day I go back to tax office salaryman for more discussion. At first, tax office salaryman not desire to talking to me. He say our discuss time is finish. But I am persist and having meeting with him. I starting to arguing about tax law points again but he not listen. He say we have same discuss before and not need to talk same points. He try to making me to leave. I getting angry which is rare occasion for me. Then he trying to push me out of office because I stubborn to him and not leaving. I push back to him and say very loud fashion: “anal sex!” People in office stop all motion in instantly and looking at me. I realize situation and sprinting out of office. Situation is much much embarrass. That day is discover one of piece of wisdom: anal sex not solution in tax office problem.

Now I still having housewife womens problem and anal sex not solution. While I type this, she call to me house three time maybe because Valentine's Day of Romance some soon. First time I answer and she explain who is she and I hanging up phone. Then she call again two time. I need solve problem that not involve my man thing in her anus. Much, much difficulty problem…

Humblest apologies.

2007-02-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

As you can tell, the frequency and length of my posts has dropped off considerably as of late. I have another time-consuming project on the go that will suck up most of my free time until probably June. Until that is done, I will probably only be able to post a few times a week. Tough shit for you.

He's going to piss himself if you don't stop...

2007-02-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

Women...

2007-02-04T07:54:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with goddamn kleenex?

2007-02-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

Who says bestiality isn't romantic?

2007-02-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

Dude, c'mon. Yarn is teh GHEY!!!

2007-02-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

Give the guy a break...

2007-02-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I telling you more about big disaster with plan of revenge to samurai.

2007-02-01T05:59:00.000-08:00

Don't fuck with a librarian in Japan.

2007-01-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

Tighty whities I bet.

2007-01-31T15:50:00.000-08:00

What would Jesus think?

2007-01-30T08:13:00.000-08:00

I make me want to touch myself.

2007-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

I had to go to the doctor today because I screwed up my elbow playing tennis. I wasn't concerned so much about my tennis game because I never lose at anything. The problem is that the elbow injury could negatively affect my sex life. Of course, the #1 wood in my pants can still go the full 18 holes, but there are times when I... 'take matters in my own hand' so to speak. Naturally, there are always tons of hotties available to a studmachinegod like myself. If I wanted to have sex with a hottie I could. And to be honest, it's not like when I 'go solo' it's really the same as when everyone else masturbates. When other people masturbates it's because they are useless dickwads that can't get laid. When I do it, it's because I am so fucking hot that I actually sometimes just want to fuck myself. With my hand.

I've got a cure for that.

2007-01-30T06:57:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I telling you about big disaster with plan of revenge to samurai.

2007-01-29T06:48:00.000-08:00

Before I telling you about problem with idiot samurai who is neighbor to me and he cut flowers of my garden. I say to you my plan - I put my part of man into his milk bottles and take the photos. Later my plan to give to him my cut flower by him and photos in box and he drinking milk. So, I finish all preparation things and go to his apartment building. I leaving box in front of door and hiding and watching. I waiting for long time but sudden door open. Then, disaster occur. Out of house not come samurai, but housewife woman. I put box in front wrong door! I cannot believe my action so stupid. Housewife woman now have box with photo of my man thing in milk bottle and she go inside apartment. I cannot moving. I cannot attack to housewife woman and recovery of box with photography because not politeness. Ninja always very politeness. But if not do anything, housewife womans see photo of my privacy region. I shock more than ever in life.

After short time I hear scream – of course timing is same as her open of box. She surprise by photo of my thing. That time I panic and run to home. Unfortunate, but I so shock I trip and fall. Ninja of course must have excellent of balance so trip much embarrass thing. I have small injury to leg when fall so must hopping to home. I much, much, much angry to me.

In evening I meet with friends at izakaya (pub of japan) who are ninja and they noticing my injury walking. They ask about injury and I cannot answering to them. I cannot tell of truth and ninja of Japan have rule about lie so not talking. I not explain situation so friend tease to me. They suspecting injury is embarrass thing and tease continue and continue. My face much red and return to home. Much, much embarrass.

There's never a waitress around when you need one...

2007-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

Testify!

2007-01-28T05:14:00.000-08:00

The goddamn fucking Alberta flag is done.

2007-01-28T04:09:00.000-08:00

I spent more time on this Alberta flag project than I probably should have, but I wanted to capture the shittiness that is Alberta. Unfortunately, I failed. The flag does show that Alberta sucks, but it suckiness depicted in the flag pales in comparison to the suckiness in the province itself. Oh well. Perhaps I am just too fucking awesome to stoop the retarded lows of Alberta.

Absofuckinglutely.

2007-01-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

Was up niggaz? This is DJ Stubblejumper wit a story you aint gonna believe.

2007-01-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

You seez the gun here? That’s cuz DJ Stubblejumper is in the joint. Thats right. The goddamn mothafuckin joint. The po-lice dun set me up again. They just cant stands a gopher like me bein a successful entrepreneur. Theze trying to keep me down homiez. I aint do nuttin wrong and sez I didnt do nuttin but them mothafuckas just dont lissen.

A fews weeks ago the pigz came to the farm looking for a suspect the sez jacked a car in Prince Alberta. They said it was a gopher that dun it and had a description. When they came to the farm most of the gophers hid in their holes but I ain’t scared of no po-lice. They roughed us up and we all had to line up against the side of the barn. They took four of us to the station for a lineup. I wuz protesting because I aint do nothing but they just sayin we look like the suspect. I told him that wuz bullshit. The cracker mothafucka po-lice thinking we gophers all be lookin the same. Goddamn racialism again.

At the po-lice station youze can guess what happened. We wuz all in the line-up and it dont take not time before I get popped. I didn’t do a goddamn thing and I get still get locked up on some bullshit. Goddamn! Whats a gopher got to do to get some justice? I wuz in court and that wuz mo bullshit. The judge be going on and on about some legal bullshit that dont make no difference cuz I aint do nuthin. He told me he wuz gonna send me up for a while to teach me a lesson. What lesson? That youze a racist? Yeah, lesson learned honkey mothafucka.

So next the shipped me off to the joint and damn was it tough. The first day I wuz there some big tattooed motherfucker done try and take my lunch tray. If you knowz DJ Stubblejumper, you knowz aint nobody come between me and my food. I broke that mothafucka down right then and there. It was so goddamn fast the guards didn’t even see what happened. The second day some other punk ass bitch try and pull some mo bullshit and I broke him down too. After that I wuz getting props from the other prisoners. I may be small but Iz one mean prarie mothafucka.

I got put on library detail which is cool cuz I get a chance to gets some mo knowledge and I also gets to use a computer which is howz I be writin this today. It aint all good though. The punk ass motha I broke down at lunch befo has gotz some friends whose gonna try something. I gots to be on my toes since I ain’t going down like that. Aint nobody gonna take me out in the joint. No goddamn way.

Mortal Kosplay.

2007-01-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I talking about hobby of garden and idiot of samurai.

2007-01-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

Many of ninja have variety hobby in free time. Some enjoy watch television. Some enjoy read a book. Some enjoy buy young girls panty from machine of vending. I also have free time hobby. It maybe strange, but I enjoy to garden things. After much stress of ninja, relax and garden remove the stress. My garden kind have vegetable and fruits and flower and trees etcetera.

Garden is not difficulty hobby for ninja. Prune the trees is much quickly with ninja attack with sword to not need parts of tree. For vegetables and fruits, defense from animals is much importance. Sometime animal come to eating vegetable and fruits. But for ninja, defense to animal not problem. However, defense to one attacker is big problem. This attacker is one of samurai in neighbor. Ninja and samurai have much hate towards others. All of samurai have ego similar size of Fuji mountain.

Some peoples think ninjas not have courage of samurai because ninja using stealth. However, this judge of ninja is much untrue. Ninja frequent travel to enemy home place where many enemy but still continue. Samurai not do such things. Another reason I hating samurai because at dance club or other place, samurai always aggressive. If ninja at some of dance club and talking to girl, samurai always coming and try interfere to ninja. I much, much, MUCH hate samurai because this actions. I lose many chance to girls because of samurai obstruct to me.

Samurai not like ninja and not like some kind of flowers. Close to my house is one of samurai. When he walking by my garden he cut some of flowers he not like. I become much angry when seeing cut flowers after waking up in morning. Of course, I can challenge samurai to fighting no problem. But then ninjas and samurais in town increasing tension and maybe much fight. Not good situation.

So, I thinking of get revenge but not direct challenge fight. I thinking much time and realize solution. Every morning this one of samurai get delivery of milk. One morning, I go and collect delivery milk and go to home. In home, I careful open milk bottle. Then I taking my part of man in pants and put into milk bottle and then taking a photo. After, I close careful and return bottle to samurai house. For one week I doing same thing and keeping secret. Also every day samurai keep cutting flower of my garden. Tomorrow, I make final of move. I printing photos in home and gathering cut flowers. I put all in gift box and put in front of the door of samurai. Samurai getting milk and open box. Then he discovering reason of special flavor of one weeks milk. I think tomorrow be much, much interest day.

Smells like victory.

2007-01-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Alberta flag update.

2007-01-26T02:16:00.000-08:00

I spend umpteen hours trying to put together a flag that accurately represents the shithole that is Alberta and came up short. Luckily for you I was just about to give up when I had a few more ideas. I will give it another go this weekend.

Bitch, bitch, bitch...

2007-01-25T03:50:00.000-08:00

The Perfect Condom

2007-01-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

In my estimation, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is the condom. It allows you to hammer away day and night at all the vagina you want while greatly reducing a guy's chances of hearing the two scariest words a woman has in her vocabulary: “I’m late.”

As great as it is, the condom is a pretty simple device that could, quite honestly, be easily improved. Given my imagination and intellect, I decided to take on the task of improving the condom. What you see below is prototype #1.

1. Water bottle - Boning hotties is hard work. 'Nuff said.
2. Universal remote. If I'm doing the hottie a favour by boning her why should I have to miss the game?
3. Post it notes. When you need to make a quick getaway after some heavy boning you can grab a post it note while she's in the bathroom, scribble a quick message and get the hell out of there.
4. Speaker. This speaker has a built in mini-computer with a hard drive. When you wife/girlfriend/concubine says something after sex (and you are fast asleep) the computer will choose an appropriate response from the prerecorded messages on the hard drive and play it.
5. Eject button.When you're done, you're done.

There are a few logistal issues that need to be worked out (such as how you are going to use the remote when it's jammed up the hottie's love tunnel), but I imagine this will be a smashing success.

Got thirteen channels of shit...

2007-01-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Tip Jar update

2007-01-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

A while ago I told you of how I put a tip jar and POS machine next to my bed to allow the hotties I bone to show their appreciation for my outstanding genital acrobatics. I counted it up today and was shocked at the response from the hotties. I could share the total with you, but I’m not the kind of guy to brag about fucking loaded I am (so loaded that I polish my knob with gold dust in fact).

Anyway, on a whim I decided to splurge and spend some of the money on a little something for me. So, I grabbed the tip jar off the nightstand, jumped in my Chevette (I really wanted to take one of my diamond-plated Ferraris for a spin but they are all in the shop at the moment) and headed down to the mall. I wandered around the mall for a while but didn’t see anything that caught my eye. There were plasma TVs, high-end stereo systems, expensive watches etc but nothing appealed to me.

I was just about to call it a day when I saw it. It was amazing and it was exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t see a price tag but I knew that it had to be mine not matter how much it cost. I grabbed the item, paid for it, hid it under my jacket just to be safe, and headed for the car. Once I made into the car, I locked all the doors and held the item out in front of me. I bet you are dying to know what the item is. It is the best goddamn pack of gum ever. Yes, EVER!

You may now be feeling a bit cheated thinking believing that I bought some fabulously expensive trinket with the tip money. The skeptics out there may be thinking I bought the gum because there was almost nothing in the tip jar. I can say, with all honesty, that I purchased the said package of gum because it turned out to be exactly what I was looking for, even though I didn’t realize it until I saw it. I could have bought a bunch of electronic equipment, jewelry, castles, some small island countries etc with the tip money, but that was not to be on that day. Furthermore, the pack of gum I bought was way, way, WAY more expensive than your typical store bought gum. This is special gum. It’s special for a number of reason that I don’t have time to get into detail here, but I had one piece after I got home and it was fucking awesome. AWESOME!!!!

Retarded, Non-Retarded and Very Retarded Flags of the World Part 7: Western and Northern provincial and territorial Canadian flags

2007-01-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

This is the seventh installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world. I am not going to talk about all of the Western and Northern Canadian flags because unfortunately, some of them are really fucking boring.

We start off with the flag of the legendary tough as nails Yukon Territory. It’s a bit hit and miss here unfortunately. On top you have a big tough looking dog. Fine. A cool flag would have the dog munching on some cat jugular or banging some hottie poodle right in the ass. But what is the dog on the Yukon flag doing? Sitting on an upside soap dish. How fucking retarded is that? Hey Yukon fucknuts: if your dog has dirty paws, why don’t you just fucking clean them before he gets in the house? If you’re too fucking stupid or lazy for that and you are just going to leave out a soap dish for the dog to soak it’s paws in, make sure you don’t leave it upside down. Are people getting fucking dumber or is it just me?

Next up is Alberta. Right off the bat, there is nothing that sticks out about this flag, good or bad. However, if you know Alberta, you know that this flag is full of shit. You have a field, some mountains, the sky etc. First of all it’s fucking boring and second of all it does not represent the shit-stained hole that Alberta is. I think what I need to do is make a flag that represents the retarded province of Alberta. Give me a few days.

Nunavut is up north somewhere. As for the flag, it has a pile of rocks that is called an inukshuk. The inukshuk is supposed to represent a person. The reason the people in the north traditionally made inukshuks when they travelled was to show that someone had been there. They obviously couldn’t leave a photo because they didn’t have cameras. Paintings were out of the question because it’s hard to paint when all you have is seal fat for paint and a caribou pubic bone for a brush. More importantly, any painting left on the wind-swept tundra would blow away pretty damn fast.

The people of Nunavut have been so worried things blowing away that they have gotten pretty dumb with respect to their flag. Here’s the thing Nunavut doesn’t have the fucking brains to realize: If you want to put a person on your flag but you don’t want your flag to blow away, an inukshuk isn’t going the make the goddamn fucking flag any heavier. Since it’s a flag, you can go ahead and draw a picture of a person you fuckwads. A flag with an inukshuk and a flag with a drawing of a person weigh exactly the same. Flags also happen to be attached to flagpoles anyway and don't fly away when it's windy. Fucking idiots.

Lastly and bestly, we have the flag of Saskatchewan. It may not grab you by the short and curlies right from the get go, but once you understand what is really going on, you will definitely agree that is kicks ass. First of all, there are the green and yellow stripes. These two colors represent sexual power and fucking awesomeness. Didn’t know that, did you? Next is the shield with the lion and the wheat. The lion represents tough motherfuckeringness. The wheat represents beer and sandwiches because they are fucking awesome. Finally, we come to the flower thingy. The flower doesn’t actually represent anything. It’s on there to give us Saskatchewanians an excuse to kick some fucking ass. What usually happens is some foreigner dickheads (e.g. some pricks from Toronto) make some smart ass remark about have a ghey looking flower in our flag. That is all the excuse we need to really fuck them up. First of all we give them a shit kicking. After that it is the ultimate punishment: a one way bus ticket to Manitoba.

My bratwurst has bratburst.

2007-01-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to come up with a caption for this photo and this lame effort is the best I could do. Despite the subpar effort I decided to posted it anyway as a public service. You're welcome.

Retarded, very retarded and non-retarded flag of the world part 6: Eastern Canadian provincial flags.

2007-01-20T08:26:00.000-08:00

This is the sixth installment in a continuing series of reviews of the flags of the world. I am not going to talk about all of the Eastern Canadian provincial flags because unfortunately, some of them are really fucking boring.

First up is the flag of Newfoundland/Labrador flag. This flag is probably the worst flag in Canadian history. The flag has a picture of someone from the waist down, lying on his side with one leg in the air taking a projectile dump. This guy is obviously suffering from some intestinal problem since the shit log is almost as long as the guy’s legs (with a shit log that big it has to be a guy). If all this wasn’t bad enough, it looks like the person they modeled the flag on is suffering from rickets.

Finally, the person shooting the shit missile out of his ass is aiming to the right side of the flag. If you look at a map, what do you find on the right side of Newfoundland and Labrador? The ocean. This guy is shitting in the fucking Atlantic Ocean. What the fuck is wrong with using the goddamn toilet?

When you first look at it, the New Brunswick flag looks good. There is some mean motherfucker lion on the top who looks like he would shred your face for the spare change in your pocket. At first glance, the ship looks pretty goddamn cool as well. That it, until you take a closer look and notice that there are only four oars. A huge fucking ship like that, and there are only four oars on each side? Nice ship design your fucking twats. Next time you design a retarded ship, it may be a good idea to try and keep it a secret instead of putting it on your flag and showing everyone how fucking stupid you are.

Here is the math on the fairly simple Quebec flag: 1 blue background + 2 white lines + 4 flowers= 1 fucking ghey flag.

Finally, we have the flag of Prince Edward Island. Even ignoring the ghey lion with the painted nails, the flag still sucks dog ass. The only thing the people of PEI can think to put on their flag is four trees? Is that all there is? You suck and your shitty piece of rock sucks. If your island has nothing else going for it than a four trees please fuck off and sink. Didn’t we build a bridge to this shithole island not too long ago? For what? To visit four motherfucking goddamn cocksucking fucking trees? Jesus H. Christ...

Look whose talking...

2007-01-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I talking about shopping of grocery for ninja.

2007-01-18T07:41:00.000-08:00

In daily life of Japan ninja, many dangers. Dangers including battle with powerful enemies, capture in enemy castle and torture etceteras. But most danger in daily life is in store of grocery. In store of grocery, use ninja attack is of course forbid. However, other people not follow similarity moral regulation and attack in grocery store. In such location, ninja forbid to use traditional defense such as counterattack with weapon and stealth. Enemy in store of grocery is not enemy ninja but thing in Japan we call oni baba. Translate mean ancient nasty womens. Ninja not having much of free time for daily life things like shopping, wash clothes, etc. So, when go to grocery store, goal is quickly buying and leaving. However, oni baba is difficulty obstacle. If shopping in store of grocery and it day of sale, oni baba have elbow of more danger than ninja star. Ninja have many of moral and code and rule. Oni baba have no such things.

I go to store of grocery today. Unfortunate, but today is large day of sale. Store of grocery become gather place of oni baba. I need to shopping today so cannot postpone. I run out of powder cleaner for clothes. Ninja clothes have much smells so must buy powder and wash. Stink ninja not stealth ninja.

I enter store of grocery and vision complete with scene of hell. Store of grocery fill with oni baba. There much noise and confuse . To location of powder cleaner difficult task. After ten minutes of push oni baba I reaching location. I taking powder box from shelf but then huge problem. I take powder box in hand and soon one of oni baba grabbing same box. I surprise but not let go. Oni baba instant become anger to me. She say to me I taking her powder cleaner. Of course, not yet payment so not hers. Also, I grab early than her so buying chance go to me. But oni baba and logic discuss no meaning. Oni baba only care save tiny money. This oni baba try grab box away from me. Unfortunate for her, I have fighting spirit even small things like powder cleaner. I not give up to powder cleaner. Oni baba grab increase strength and I return. Final, oni baba lose of grip. She instant become get anger of dragon. She grab other item locate on shelf and throw to me. Of course, my ninja reflex block attack. Oni baba become get anger of anger dragon. More danger now. Oni baba grab two of items locate on shelf. She try double hand throw to face of me. Of course, I moving so miss. Unfortunate, but items travel to face of other oni baba behind of me. At now, #2 oni baba angry to #1 oni baba. I in middle much unlucky location. #2 oni baba trying to hit #1 oni baba with fists. #1 oni baba trying counterattack by another item throw. Of course, hit oni baba #3.

Soon, store of grocery become field for battle similar Sekigahara. I making quick move to women of cashier and payment and return to home. Same night I watching news. Many oni baba in store of grocery battle become big story and police arrival and arrest. Oni baba is much, much danger. If you see, carefully please.

Sorry Chuck.

2007-01-17T07:04:00.000-08:00

Astrophysics and my weenis

2007-01-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

I had a few drinks with a friend of mine last night. The conversation ended up drifting to the topic of hot chicks. We talked about what hot chicks were hot, which hot chicks were not hot etc. Then my friend asked an interesting question: Let’s say you banged a super hottie. Not a regular hottie, but a super hottie. After you were done banging her and you were both still in bed, what would you say to her? I asked for a more concrete female example, and he suggested Jessica Simpson

My simply reply to his question was “no”. He didn’t quite get it and asked my why I would say “no” to Jessica Simpson after banging her. I then explained that I wouldn’t say “no” to her after banging her, but the “no” referred to the fact that I wouldn’t be banging her in the first place. “Why not?” he asked. I replied, in full and complete honesty, that I don’t think Jessica Simpson is hot enough for me. “Fine” he said, "then how about Scarlett Johannson?” I admitted to him that she was hot enough to receive my weenis. “Well,” said my friend, “Imagine you have just nailed Scarlett Johansson and are now laying in bed. What would you say to her?”

I leaned back in my chair and thought about it for a few moments. In a flash of insight I realized that in this universe and in the infinite number of other possible universes that could exist on this or other planes of existence, there is only one thing I could say to Scarlett Johansson after banging her:

‘You’re welcome.’

Penis obedience school part 3.

2007-01-15T15:31:00.000-08:00

Now that my penis is registered with the kennel club as a golden retreiver, I decided to treat it like one to better the odds we have of winning when we make it to our first dog show. First of all, like all dog owners do, I gave my knob a bath and a brush. I used one of the wide dog brushes you get at pet stores and boy did I need it. After about ten minutes of brushing it was packed with hair. By the time I was done I could have stuffed a quilt with all the hair I had.

After that, I took a trip to the pet store to pick up some essential: a collar, a leash and some toys. The guy at the pet store tried to sell me on some dog biscuits, but my 'pet' only has an appetite for one thing: vagina. And there is no way I am feeding it the bargain bin rate canned vagina either. Only the freshest vagina for this pet. In the parking lot I put the collar and leash on my knob and we drove across town to a park where I took him for a walk. He really loves the fresh air and scampered around getting into all sorts of shenanigans. There was a family of four sitting on the grass having a picnic and my knob got a little too frisky and ended up stepping into a bowl of their potato salad. I said I was sorry but they turned out to be a real pricks. The father called the police. I couldn't fucking believe it. My knob accidentally took a teeny weeny step into a bowl of potato salad and goes apeshit. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong but I had better things to do than spend an hour trying to explain the situation to the police so I left. Before I hit the road though, I took my knob off the leash and let him loose on the family. It was fucking awesome. By the time he was done, he had gotten into the potato salad again, spilled a plate full of beans, knocked over a bottle of coke and accidentally poked the daughter in the eye (she was 18 so no problem there). The little rascal...

My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I talking about much, much trouble in new ninja class.

2007-01-14T05:10:00.000-08:00

Recent, I telling you about new student of Japan salaryman who show much fighting spirit in class. But this student causing much problem last night. He using ninja stealth technique to steal panties from womens hanging clotheslines. He is catched by policemens and arrest. Policemens search of his apartment and discovery of many womens panties in his apartment. I very disgust of him. Many Japan mens enjoy collection of womens panties, but steal is not morality way. Morality way of collection of womens panties is buy from the panties vendings machine or asking to womens for borrow.

Situation is much, much shame for me.

I hate when that happens.

2007-01-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

Nun for me.

2007-01-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I talking about my new ninja class.

2007-01-12T06:58:00.000-08:00

Because of decline in number of ninja in Japan country, I decide to teaching class of ninja technique to regulars people. Before I only teaching in secret, but now deciding to advertisement and class in community center. I start class today and have 3 student. One is disgust housewife, one is Japan salaryman and one is female student of university. She very cute. It difficult to teach ninja technique to cute womens. Concentration not easily.

I start lesson is teaching of breathing. Much important for martial arts especially ninja. Breathe incorrect result is lose battle. I show three of students breathe technique. When I watching breathe of student of university, I become difficult to concentration. When she breathing, her chest of course move. Much, much distraction. But surprise, most fighting spirit students is Japan salarymen. For complete lesson he working hard to practice. I much impress. But I still preference for young student of university. Naked time with her I imagine much pleasurable. I not interest in naked time with Japan salaryman. Very disgust.

After class, housewife come to me and thank to me for teaching. Her face show too much enjoy. I thinking she has attraction to me. I not interest in her. She has look of face of Godzilla, famous Japan monster. I cannot imagine of naked time with fire breath monster. After return to home, I try and imagining of face of cute student of university. But Godzilla housewife face attack my imagination. Much, much disappoint. Cannot pleasure of self when Godzilla in imagination. Maybe even hentai person (pervert of Japan) cannot pleasure of self when imagine Godzilla. Godzilla too digust because Godzilla not have flabbergast bust or cute of smile. Not good things

Fucked.

2007-01-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

Hungover. Will post in about 12 hours. Monitor hum is a killer. Not so loud please.

Penis obedience school part 2.

2007-01-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

After the overwhelming success my penis and I had at
dog obedience school, I have spent the last day looking into kennel clubs. Eventually I am going to enter my knob into a dog show. The problem was when I tried to register they asked me about the breed. My knob doesn’t actually fit into any dog breed category. I told them I would give them a call back and hung up. I thought about it for a few hours. Going by shape, dachshund would be the obvious choice but there is no way in hell I am going to register my cock as a daschund. I don’t have the fancy coiffed pubic hair that seems to the all the rage these days so I had to pass on ‘poodle’. Luckily I don’t have an exotic crotch diseases so I could easily pass on the spotted dalmation. From the front, my knob probably has a ‘face’ closest in likeness to a bulldog but since there was no similarity in profile I passed. Finally, I found the perfect match. After reading about this breed on a kennel club website, I knew this was it. Here is what the website had to say:

… symmetrical, powerful, active…, sound and well put together… displaying a kindly expression and possessing a personality that is eager, alert and self-confident...

That is exactly how I feel about my cock. Furthermore, my cock has the proud regal bearing of this breed. So I phoned back the kennel club and registered my knob as a golden retriever. Fucking. Awesome.

Isn't that sweet.

2007-01-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I talking about bust of foreign womens.

2007-01-09T04:49:00.000-08:00

Many Japan mens attract to foreign womens because foreign womens has astonish size bust. These busts cause mesmerize of Japan mens. When Japan mens see such magnitude bust, we cannot of thinking. We just mesmerize. For example, this picture of Scarlett Johansson. Her flabbergast bust instant cause of Japan mens explosion in pants.

Japan womens not have such magnitude chest usually so not such effect of Japan mens. Sometime Japan womens have high-ranking capacity of bosom but rare and mimicry of foreigns chest by transplant by silicones.

I not have personally experience with womens of outsized bust. One times in high school I have chance but miss. Our class go to Kyoto ancient city of Japan for classes’ field trip. In class is one student name Hana. She rare Japan girls with abundancy of breast. On seconds day of field trip I walking around Kinkakuji (Japan famous temple coat in gold) and noticing Hana is not close to others students. So I think I have chances to talking with her. I not have confidence much but her bosoms gives me much courage. Also sight of Hana make produce amplify effect in underwear of my part of manhood. I feeling is must talking with her. I walking to Hana and starting to talking with her. Unfortunate, but Hana notice projection of my pants to direction of her. She feeling of me is hentai (pervert of Japan). Hana walk away and disgust of me. I much, much disappoint and shame. Others of student discover of my projection to Hana and tease to me for rest of school year. They point to my pants and call to me “Tokyo Tower” and laughing. Much, much shame.

Anyway, returning topic to foreign womens bust. There exist many of foreign womens with gigantic bust. I much want to experiencing amusement time with such womens. But for ninja, much small possibility. Ninja life is life of secret to attack enemy and defense of enemy. Chance for romance encounter with foreign womens not much. Sometime when ninja meeting at izakaya (pub of Japan) there complaining of life of ninja because not so much convenience. But sometime I hoping for chance to travel to foreigns country and meeting with flabbergast bust. If I success, much, much enjoy.

Master of my domain.

2007-01-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

During the holidays I had time to work on a pet project of mine: penis obedience training. I already have tremendous geniticular control, but wanted to completely master it. Getting my knob to do certain things such as ‘standing at attention’ is a piece of cake, but I wanted to expand and solidify my repertoire.

My first step was to try and locate a penis obedience school. I thumbed through the yellow pages and couldn’t find anything. The only thing I could find was dog obedience school which obviously was not exactly what I was looking for. Still, there was nothing else so I enrolled my schlong in dog obedience school.

I showed up for the first class the next day and the place was almost empty, probably due to the holiday season. There was a half a dozen people there (all women) with their dogs. The teacher asked me where my dog was. I explained to her that I there for obedience training but it wasn’t a dog that needed training. She asked me if it was a cat and I replied that it wasn’t. The teacher then asked me exactly what it was that I wanted trained. So, I showed her. I pulled down my zipper and yanked it all out. Two of the women fainted. The others stood there with their mouths gaping. I explained to them the reasoning behind my decision to enroll my wang in dog obedience training. After they recovered from their shock (which took a while) the teacher was able to continue. The first hour was spent on simple things like sitting and standing on command, rolling over, shaking hands (well, foreskin in my case) etc. The rest of the morning was ‘behaviour modification’ kind of stuff. We learned techniques to help us to get our pets to do what we want them to do. I was able to get my ‘pet’ to do all sorts of things you can’t even imagine. The teacher was very, very impressed. I think the other owners were a bit jealous of how well we were doing. Tough shit for them.

At the end of the day was a test. It was strictly pass/fail. There were five ‘events’ and we had to successfully complete four of them to pass. The first even was a cakewalk. The teacher put a doggie biscuit on the floor and the trick was for the dog (or schlong in my case) to not eat the biscuit until the owner said so. We aced that one. Number two was walking. The dog/schlong has to walk around an obstacle course with the owner, stay with the owner and not try to run around. We didn’t even break a sweat. The third event was completing a number of commands properly. The teacher would say ‘sit’ ‘rollover’ ‘stand’ ‘shake hands’ etc in quick succession and the dog/schlong would have to keep up. Unfortunately, we had a bit of a hiccup here. The first two commands were ‘sit’ and ‘rollover’ which went fine but the third command was ‘shake hands’ and it didn’t go too well. My schlong got a bit overexcited and ended up not shaking hands with the teacher but hitting her in the head and knocking her unconscious. She was out cold for about ten minutes. Oops.

After she came to, the teacher was a bit reluctant to continue. However, I was adamant that we finish the test since we were already more than half done and I wanted the graduation certificate. The teacher must have been mightily impressed by the obedience of my knob because she decided to waive the rest of the test and give my schlong the certificate with high honors. Fucking. Awesome.

Now that we have passed obedience training school, I am sure you can guess what is next. Yes, I am going to enroll my knob in a kennel club and enter it into a dog show. I already have a placed shaved and ready where they can put the ‘best in show’ ribbon.

My name Ninja Shinichi. Today I writing about Lindsay Lohan.

2007-01-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

Many Japan mens are fascination with foreign womens. I agree. However, most Japan mens not have chance to meet foreign womens and talking or more like things of naked varieties with them except of Russian payment girl. So, many Japanese mens enjoy to looking at photos of foreign womens on Internet. Myself too shy for this but friend Fluwten send me much photos of foreign womens. Some photo are too much pervert thing for my enjoy. Fluwten has variety interest in sex things I not understand for example midget wear latex and hard hat with ping pong ball actions.

However, sometime I get photo from Fluwten that give much joy for me. One time example is this photo of famous women Lindsay Lohan. This foreign women I like much.
When I looking at photo cannot concentrating on other things. If in ninja battle and enemy ninja show picture of Lindsay Lohan I defeated in instantly. Much dangerous photo for time of ninja battle, but in house not problem. In photo I understand Lindsay character much easily. She has intelligent and kind and beauty of old time lady similar with Audrey Hepburn.

I tell Fluwten about feelings of Lindsay Lohan and he very laughing. I much upset, but friend so not ninja attack. Then next day he send me photo of Lindsay Lohan with not wear underwear and camera angle in advantage position. In photo has possible to see her specialty place for enjoy penis entry. When I first see photo I shock. I not imagine to see such photo of Lindsay Lohan. To being honest, I disappoint in photo. I imagine her womens enjoy place is fantastically spot with sparkle and rainbow similar disco lighting. But it not. In photo I see her womens enjoy place look like some piece of hams hang in meat shop. Not much sexy. Much, much disappoint.

Wazz up niggas? This iz DJ Stubblejumper, the hip-hoppest gopher reprezentin Prince Albert Saskatchewan is going to talk to ya’llz about DA MAN.

2007-01-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

The qwestion iz WHO IZ DA MAN? DA MAN is the man that be keeping you down, keeping you from getting an education, keeping you from getting a job. For the black man, DA MAN is none other than the WHITE MAN. As a gopher, Iz got to deal with the most evil murderous cracker mothafucka WHITE MAN there is. Iz talking about the punk-ass mothafucka FARMER. Ya see, the farmer is the most evil of allz the white men. He’s a goddamn redneck killin son of a bitch. He tries to act like a playa with all of his barnyard animal ho’s but he aint shit. He don’t be pimpin out the animals, he be KILLIN THEM. The cowz, the chickenz, the pigz, they allz getting killed soze some whitebread mothafucka can chow down on them. Even the gopher out in the field gettin popped. But we aint getting popped for food. Weze getting popped just cuz the punk-ass farmer be hatin on us. Damn!

Fo sho the farmer aint got the ballz to take out the gopherz face to face. No goddman way. He sits in his shitass pickup truck with a rifle and be snipin our asses. Chickenshit mothafucka! You gotz to know that DJ Stubblejumper aint goin down like dat. I be putting the A to the mothafuckin K and take out that punk bitch.

Right now Iz be concentrating on my rappin and not my gangsterin but you best believe Iz hard as steel. Don’t fuck wit a gopher from the projects, mothafucka!

Tsk tsk.

2007-01-06T15:14:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name Shinichi. Today I talking about Japan New Year custom.

2007-01-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

In other county there is large party on last of December with much drinking. In Japan such custom not exist. At beginning of January family gather and much eating of specialty food call ‘osechi’ and also much drinking. It usual fun time with family but not fun time for me. All time in New Year family complain of my choice of ninja. Also complain of situation that I not marry yet. I have one of younger brother and one of younger sister. They both marry. But in Japan much important for oldest of sons to get marry. Not easy for me to marry because not have courage to talk with womens. Much difficulty to ask for date. Ask for marry maybe not possible because much nervous and cannot talk. Fight enemy ninja give me less afraid than talk to womens.

Last time I talk to womens was disaster. I was in convenience store (we call ‘conbini’ in Japan). I was injure in ninja battle so buy band-aid for injure place. Another of customer in store was much beautiful women. I forget injure thing exactly then. I then know I must trying to talking with her but very nervous. She purchasing one plastic bottle of green tea and then leave store. I following of her. She walk to car and try to open tea bottle but have difficulty. I run at her with thinking of helping in good ninja spirit. I take out sword and cut off top of tea bottle so she drinking is easy. Unfortunate, but she not appreciating my behavior. She scream much loudly and run. I run with her and explaining of my behavior but she not listening to my words.

I so upset that forgot to buy bandaid for injure place. I go home after and watching TV but still feeling painful of heart. I not understanding of womens.

The second greatest Christmas gift ever!!!

2007-01-05T16:55:00.000-08:00

The best gift I have ever given someone is of course, my genitals. This holiday season, however, I gave someone a gift that ran a close second. I know a hottie who walks to work every day. Needless to say, at this time of year in Saskatchewan things can get a bit cold. She has one of these high-tech multi-layer jackets that keeps her reasonably warm but it is far from stylish and more importantly the jacket has no connection to me.

I had a brainstorm a few days before Christmas - I would give the hottie the greatest jacket ever! I sketched out a few designs before hitting the jackpot. The jacket would be all black except for a lime green racing stripe on the front of the jacket and another one the back. The racing stripes would be covered with rhinestones. Nothing but the best from me.

All I needed now was to figure out how the jacket would keep her warm and more importantly how to give the jacket the special 'McGunch' touch. I then realized I could do both at the same time. I grabbed an electric razor, took off my pants and shaved off a big patch of short and curlies. The jacket would not be filled with down but with a layer of my warm and fuzzy pubes. The hottie would be warm and would be wrapped in McGunch every time she wore the jacket. Classy all the way.

Those Italians and their mothers...

2007-01-05T03:28:00.000-08:00

I'm back!!!

2007-01-05T01:27:00.000-08:00

Hello loyal viewers. After a long holiday the one, the only Fluwten McGunch is back. I spent my holiday visiting hotties around Saskatchewan spreading my sticky holiday cheer around with my wondershaft. The Christmas season always puts me in a generous, giving mood which I while I felt it necessary to bone so many hotties. What would a hottie want more than to be smothered by my genitals? Nothing, of course.

My name Shinichi. Many apologies.

2006-12-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

Very sorry to not posting recently. Now is season for Christmas so Fluwten and the Mr. DJ Stubblejumper take holiday. From tomorow I have long training for ninja techniques. So therefore, new posting delay almost one week. Many apology. Promise to have many interest stories when return. Thank for reading of this.

Hello this again Shinichi. I talk now about polite and ninja.

2006-12-24T00:23:00.000-08:00

Hello Fluwten still holiday. I have free time now and talk about how ninja is politeness. Most imagine of ninja very cruelty person. This truth but not completely truth. Most ninja also have softly parts of heart. For example, good ninja always open door for old peoples. Ninja also not very use swearing languages because not polite.

Sometime ninja attack by secrecy methods. But sometime not secrecy method and have chatting time with opponent before begins the fighting. Chatting topics sometime family, sometime free time hobby, sometime news chatting and etcetera. After conclude the chatting then ninja bow and exchange business card and then fighting. Very politness and traditional way for fighting.

Ninja is politness also when travel. If travel by train, ninja not take seat if peoples standing. Ninja also not use of hand phone on train because annoy to other peoples. When ninja hitchiking always offering of money for gasolines charges. Very politeness.

My name Shinichi. I this time write about Christmas

2006-12-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

Fluwten is holidays now because the Christmas so I write for next few days. My apology because my English not good compare to my ninja ability.

In Japan tradition there exist no Christmas. But foreign culture bring many of things to Japan for example the Christmas, chocolate, foreign women, atom bomb and etc. Many people of Japan feel happiness about many foreign items in Japan. I not feel so happiness because Japan traditional things best for Japan. But I no angry.

In Japan the Christmas is not same as the Christmas of foreign peoples. We have no custom of large bird like turkey. In Japan oven not so big so no possibility for cook it. We also not give present to all peoples. Only some of children get present on Christmas in Japan. Sometime Japan salaryman give himself present of young girl but that not special thing to Christmas. That happening all of year.

Santa in Japan also not display in public siutation like in picture below. Japan Santa not have courage of penis like foreign Santa. Japan peoples very shy.
Also the foreign Christmas have tradition of mistletoe. If mistletoe hang up of you, you okay to kiss girl. In Japan no possibilty for this. Kiss girl in Japan not easy except of payment girls. But I not enjoy payment girls because of honor of ninja. To ninja honor and duty much importance. Unfortunate but honor and duty not helping to meet girls. Sometime ninja lonely because this. Sorry for make post sad and not full happiness but true maybe more importance.

Thank you for reading of my posting. Please to meet you.

My name Shinichi. Thank you for your reading of this.

2006-12-23T07:27:00.000-08:00

I am ninja teacher of Fluwten McGunch. I apologies because my English not study since high school. Ninja usually no need of English language. More need of ninja star and sword not vocabularies and grammars.

I know Fluwten for 10 years since he came Japan. At first, I not know Fluwten directly. He have friend that is same friend of me so we know each others by friends introduction. Fluwten not know about Japan but interested and ask me Japan questions by the email. At 1996 he come to Tokyo to become gaijin ninja ('gaijin' mean ‘outsider’ but sometime meaning also ‘bad outsider’ - if not Japanese sometimes Japanese think it bad because not Japanese). It sometime racist maybe.

When come to Japan, Fluwten first explore the area of Tokyo call Roppongi. But he mistaked because no ninja teachers exists in the Roppongi. But he could meets lots of Japanese womens there instead. When Fluwten in Japan he make romance to many Japanese woman. He like especially put penis in hole for where womens are usually poop comes out. Japanese womens maybe not used to that. Maybe when he doing like that the Japanese womens very surprise like time Nikkei stocks market go down at 30% in one day. Except womens surprise this time is not losing the money of stocks but penis inside of her anus. Not same things exactly. I not know why Fluwten enjoy type of sex like this. Japanese womens have a specialty hole that is suitable design for enjoy penis entry.

After he leave Roppongi Fluwten travel to Kyoto old city of Japan. He very much like traditional Japan. He try many Japan customs like talking with Japanese girls, karaoke with Japanese girls and variety styles of ejection of the semen with Japanese girls. Many of such types of discharge of semen in Japan but most famous is the bukkake. If you internet search word 'bukkake' take carefully. It's specialty pervert thing of Japan. Some Japanese proud of bukkake more than samurai or Playstation. I think the ninja training or watch the sumo match more Japan culture than the bukkake. I much proud of Japan but only little proud of the bukkake.

In beginning I think Fluwten not serious regarding training of ninja because most time he spend with Japanese girls. But later he becomes seriously. He visit to my training center and ask about training of ninja. I tell Fluwten it take many years for the training. He say he have only three weeks. I tell to him cannot become ninja in three weeks. No possibility for successful. Fluwten say he have strong the body and the mind and success is very possibility. I still think not possibility but say okay to the ninja training of three weeks.

At start, Fluwten not have at all ninja technique. His sword fighting dangerous only to he. His shuriken (ninja star) throwing not accuracy. One day we training outside with shurikens and he hit schoolboy by accidentally. The boy parents very angrily at Fluwten. Fluwten make the offer to solve problem by put his penis in mother's anus. Father not happy at Fluwten's suggesting of donation of penis to wife. Mother maybe happy but not show happy so father not lose the face. At final, schoolboy not hurt so serious so not big problem.

After one week ninja training, Fluwten start become very technique. Sword technique and shuriken much improve. Fluwten get the skills very quick. I surprise because never see before ninja student get so much technique so fast time. At end of three weeks Fluwten pass final testing of knowledge ninja techniques. I very shocking. Fluwten very happy and celebrating all night with the expensive sushi and the sake and share of penis with the Japanese womens. I happy for him and proud of his accomplishing the ninja training. Fluwten go back home to Canada after but sometimes he returning to Japan. Everytime we meeting it happiness encounter. Maybe I someday can travel to the Canada and visiting Fluwten in place call Saskatchewan. I think not so many ninjas in Saskatchewan. I think not hard to find the job of ninja there. But Fluwten say winter in Saskatchewan is more bad than womens with no anus. Maybe sound not so good.

Shinichi is on the way!

2006-12-23T06:34:00.000-08:00

Just a short time ago my good friend DJ Stubblejumper joined this blog and made his first post ever. Another friend of mine saw Dj Stubblejumper's post and also wants in on the action. The friend is none other than my ninja master Shinichi from Japan. Loyal viewers of this blog will remember Shinichi from the the McGunch flag here. Since Shinichi is a great ninja master I thought it would be crazy to turn him down. So, sometime in the next day he is going to stop by this blog and share his thoughts with us. I guarantee that he is going to fucking ROCK!!!!!!